Sunday, March 21, 2010


I wasn't sure I'd ever share this on my blog, or with anybody that wasn't close to us, but I feel it's such a touchy subject and so many people have gone through what I have that it's worth it to open up about it.

Please, I'm not looking for sympathy nor am I looking for advice on how to get through it. Everyday is a struggle, but everyday gets a little better. Time will heal all, and I firmly believe that.

On January 6th 2010 C and I found out we were expecting our first child.

I need to stop right there and do some explaining before I go on, so hopefully this will make sense.There will be some graphic detail in here so if you're not a fan and don't want to hear about sex, babies, blood and guts then don't read any further.

I always knew it would be hard for me to get pregnant. I have had abnormal periods since I first started, and was told at age 16 I had a mild case of Endometriosis. Of course when you're 16 you don't think anything about it, but let me just tell you. Those 7 days ( sometimes 10 days) when you can't get out of bed because it feels like your uterus is being ripped in two, you can't help but not think about it.

When I met C I told him from the very beginning I wasn't sure I could have kids, and might possibly need fertility treatment at the very least. We obviously had many talks about it and were both comfortable with the situation and agreed to talk to a fertility specialist when the time was right.

I have been with C for 8 1/2 years and we have never used any kind of birth control. We have never even charted and obviously nothing happened. I was used to it, sometimes I had those bad months where I hated my body, because any sane women would at least want to know they had a chance at having kids, but my body? wasn't gonna give.

Fast forward to October. C and I went through a pretty rough time in our relationship. I guess it happens to the best of us and when you work together, live together and never have anytime to yourself it's bound to happen. We just were loosing track of who we were and what we wanted which set us back. WAY back. We even canceled our wedding 5 days before it happened because we were absolutely miserable. I knew I loved him with my whole heart and he was my best friend, but I started building up resentment, and hatred because he stopped doing the little things, and started taking what he had for granted. That's not to say I didn't do the same. I stopped putting effort into my appearance and started holding all communication in. I finally reached a breaking point sometime in October.

I don't need to go into all the details of what happened, but we ran our business together and that was about it. We weren't talking to one another, let alone loving one another. I think after weeks of non stop fighting, we both finally got our heads on straight and sat down to figure things out. Obviously we're back together, and doing well, but it took a lot of time, a lot of tears and a lot of love to get us to where we are now.

After a 3 month hiatus, we had a "moment" in there where we decided we were okay enough to be physical.

We went on a mini vacation in January, and while I was blow drying my hair one morning, I got really dizzy and nauseous. My gut instinct was telling me there was NO way I could be pregnant, but my period was almost two months late. Once we got home 2 days later I ran to the drug store and bought a test. 

The test came back positive. I told C and made him drive me back to the drug store so I could buy a digital test. I wanted and needed to see that "pregnant" ticker to pop up, in order to really believe it. And of course, within 2 minutes it popped up pregnant. loud and clear!

I was excited and scared. I had no idea how this happened ( well obviously I knew) but it was a freaking miracle!

That night I went to bed, and just couldn't wrap my brain around what was happening. I felt like it was all just so unreal and that I was in a horrible nightmare and the baby goddess was about to laugh in my face.

I guess what they say is true, when you have a gut instinct about something, chances are it's right.

The next morning I woke up with spotting. Quite a bit of spotting. Of course I panicked and called the Dr to make an appointment.

They got me in within 2 hours, made me fill out way too much paperwork and took me back to take a look. We got our first ultra sound and was told everything looked perfect. We were 6 weeks 1 day and due September 1st 2010.

I left feeling so relieved, but still a little jaded about what was going on.

The second day we got home the spotting didnt stop, but the DR said it was normal for first time pregnancies, especially for people with ovarian cysts.

I let my body takes it course, but on the 3rd day I was having a full blown period, the worst one I've ever experienced in my life. I couldn't move, or breathe. Heating pads, ibuprofen or caffeine weren't working. After dealing with this for 2 hours, It got worse. SO worse. I was having full on contractions 2-3 minutes apart and I couldn't help but scream and cry through each one of them. I had C locating the nearest hospital to take me to while I tried my hardest to breathe through them. I knew something was going terribly wrong, but I couldn't focus on anything but just getting through them. It took me something like 35 minutes to put pants on and get in the car. I'm pretty I scared some drivers, as I had my head hanging out with window so I wouldn't puke, and was screaming through each contraction. By the time we made it to the hospital I was in so much pain, and was shaking so bad I couldn't walk. I had C run in and check me in and grab a wheel chair. before he even made it to the car I had found the courage and the last of my energy to run to the bathroom, where I thought I was going to puke, but instead, I ended up passing 4 golf ball size clots through my nether regions. I did this twice within a 30 minute window both times relieving the contraction and the pain. After the second time around I felt like a new women. I had no more pain ( other then sore abs and a sore throat from screaming) and told C we could go home. yeah right was he gonna allow that! We stayed 8 hours in the ER only to have the DR tell us everything looked good, I was still pregnant and that I just had a threatened miscarriage.

Talk about confusing!

2 days later I was sent to an obgyn specialist for an evaluation to see what had just happened. After some blood work was drawn I was called into the office with the news I had already known. We had indeed just miscarried our first baby. And we had indeed just went through a very intense labor, which apparently just is as painful as regular labor.

I was both horrified and relieved at the same time. Horrified for obvious reasons and relieved because that was the most awful pain I have ever been through.

I was able to pass everything on my own which is a god send. Most women have to go through a D & C
Which is a longer healing process.

So now that I'm 2 months past, I'm doing okay. I still have some hormone issues, but overall I'm in good spirits and good health.

it was all a really quick week during the whole process. We literally had 5 days of finding out we were pregnant to finding out we miscarried. There was no time to process, or get used to anything, which I think was almost better. We didnt tell anyone we were pregnant, but instead broke the news to close family that we had miscarried.

I know this was a huge wall of text and a lot of graphic details. But I think it will give other people going through the same thing a chance to know their not alone. And hopefully a look at a few symptoms that were eye opening for me to see a DR.

And just for future reference, if you have any questions about what I went through or if you'd like to share your story with me, feel free to drop me an email or a comment.


Cecilia said...

I am so sorry. That took a lot of courage and strength to share your story. I can't even imagine your pain.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

WOW! Thanks for sharing your story, I know that took a lot of courage. That totally sucks that you had to go through that but at the same time, you're a stronger woman and you've got hope that you can have a baby of your own. I hope you and C are doing good. I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

Jesse said...

What a hard thing to go through. You are in my thoughts and prayers.